Indecisive

I want to blog.
I just can't decide what to blog about.
Here are some topic's that have been on my mind recently:

*Missing my Teenage Years
*Family History
*Loving People No Matter What
*Honesty

And then of course there are all the things I would like to blog about on my family blog. I just don't seem to have the energy lately. A few times this week I have had the time to blog and I start but then just get tired of thinking and I don't finish. I guess we will see how far I get today. I think I will go backwards of that list.

Honesty.

This is the conversation Jake and I were having in the car on the way home from dinner today. I really think that the world wouldn't have half as many problems if people could just be honest. So much dishonesty in our Government. And it doesn't even have to go that far to cause problems. For example, all of us at work (doctor's office) are annoyed with Medicaid and forms of Medicaid insurance. That's nice that there is an option for those without insurance or means of paying for insurance. I just wish that people would be honest about it. Don't think I am judging people, I know we all have our trials. However, I have seen some of the houses that some people who have Medicaid are living in. Triple the size of mine, pool in the backyard, beautiful neighborhood and vehicles to go with it. Please explain to me how they can't afford insurance yet can afford all of those beautiful things. I see this a lot working in a doctor's office and it is just hard to not be angry that these people are getting free insurance and I am forking over hundreds of dollars a month for my family to be insured. Not to mention the co-pays and parts of bills that my insurance won't cover. I just don't see how they could possibly be being honest about their income when they have all of those luxuries. I just wish that people would be honest when it comes to needing help. Same goes for people on the street corners. I wish I could give money to the people holding signs but I just don't know if they really are in need. Who's to say they aren't better off than I am? And maybe I should just be a giving person and leave it up to the Lord as to whether or not they are being honest but it is so hard.

Next topic:

Loving People No Matter What

Why do we have to hate those that aren't exactly like us and have our same opinions? When it comes to the controversy of Homosexuality I have my own opinions. I can't honestly say I am for or against it. Personally, I am attracted to the opposite sex and believe that is how it is supposed to be. However, it is not my place to judge. We are all here to learn and be tested. In the next life we will find out what the real answer is. But for now my personal rule is to let people think what they want and be what they want. If there are consequences to anyone's actions, of any kind, then those are their consequences, not mine. I honestly think that unless you are hurting someone else then you are entitled to do whatever you want, legally. Morally is different but that is more between you and God and I cannot judge that. I mean think about it. Things that should be illegal are things that affect others. Killing. Stealing. Assaulting. Speeding. Things like that. And going along with the Honesty subject, if people honestly think they love someone of the same sex who am I to say they can't? I understand it goes deeper than that when it comes to marriage such as healthcare and other benefits that come with marriage but if they get married for love and not just to benefit from those things then I don't see why it is a problem. As long as they aren't abusing the system. Another thing is I think a lot of people like to rebel. Doing things just because they know someone else won't like it. But we are all different. There will always be someone that doesn't like or agree with something you do.

Along with this I want to add religion. Being Mormon I hear a lot of negativity about my beliefs. I have been watching that show, Breaking Amish, and there is a lot of negativity there as well. I just don't understand how there is so much hate that goes with religion. Let people decide for themselves what they believe. Consequences come in the next life for that. Be honest about what you believe and who you are and let others be. Share what you know and if they disagree don't hate them or try to force it upon them. The only religions I have a problem with are the ones that hurt others. Sacrifices and such. I realize that has to do with ancient rituals or what not but I really don't think that any religion should say to kill another person not willing to die for that religion.
Another thing I want to add...I have my beliefs and you may not have the same ones, but don't assume that I dislike you for that reason. If I honestly have a problem with you it is because you have hurt me or I know you are being dishonest with me and yourself. I'm not one to judge unless I know you are doing something for the wrong reasons. I don't smoke, drink alcohol, or coffee, and a number of other things that some people find acceptable. However, if you do those things I won't judge you because of it. But if I know your beliefs and have heard your opinions and then you try and tell me otherwise I am not going to believe you. And be disappointed that you are fooling yourself. But I will still love you.

Moving on.

Family History

This is a more lighthearted subject. I have always loved hearing about my own family history and helping my mom with genealogy. I wish I knew more about it and could pursue it more. I love that new show "Who Do You Think You Are". About celebrities that get to find out the history in their families. Seeing old documents, visiting historical sites, seeing old pictures. That kind of stuff has always interested me. Maybe because of my family history and all the stories and information we have from the Kimball line. Fascinating. While watching that show I saw someone had the title of "Genealogist" and I thought that would be an awesome job. I was telling Jake that I don't really like History but I like getting to know the people in history. Their personal stories and pictures and artifacts are what interest me. I would love to have a butt-load of money and go to Ireland and other places to see where my family lived and imagine what life might have been like for them. I hope that after we die we will be able to see the past. Sit down with some popcorn and watch your ancestors lives. See the sacrifices they went through in their life that lead to you being where and who you are.

And last but not least (wow, I've almost finished everything I wanted to blog about...)

Missing My Teenage Years

I may not miss all of the experiences but I will say years 17 and 18 were some of the best for me. I had recently discovered my love of music and I'd like to say that was mostly what I thought about. Which music to listen to and which time, what concerts to go to, what my favorite band members were doing, what new music was coming out, etc. I guess after I got married and had kids the music part of my life died down. Yes, a lot of that is because I wouldn't approve of my children listening to some of it *holds head in shame* and also because Jake and I have different taste in music. AND the fact that I don't get to see my friends who listen to the same music as I do as much. Music played such a big part in my teenage life and now when I hear certain songs I have memories of things that happened during those years and I miss it. I remember the feelings I had at the time. Mostly freedom and newness. Doing adult things for the first time. Moving out, dating, driving, working, etc. Music controls so many of my emotions. A certain song can cause me to be happy, sad, anxious, excited, or angry. Mostly because of what happened in my life when that music was part of it. Which is why I miss my teenage years so much right now. As many of you know, my all time favorite band is Fall Out Boy and close second is Panic! At the Disco. Well, I just missed FOB's concert and Panic! is coming next month and I will miss that one as well. I used to be such an avid concert goer. It makes growing up feel so hard and depressing. Don't have the money and free time to spend on things like concerts.
Besides music I miss my friends. A lot of them I haven't seen in years and probably won't see for a very long time, if ever again. We all grow up and move on and even when we do see each other later in life it isn't the same. It feels awkward because we have changed over time. Maybe, along with seeing our ancestor's lives, we will be able to relive moments of ours. Not to change things, but just to have those feelings again. Be able to feel the excitement of firsts and the feeling of achievement when we accomplished something. One can only hope. And wait and see.

The Eternal Fish

Angelfish? Maybe. We aren't sure yet what exactly this fish's deal is. First, a little background... We bought a fish tank about a year ago. Got a few fish and had fun watching them until they died every few months. We can't keep plants alive. Whatever made us think we could keep fish alive I'm still not sure. Anyway, the fish came and went until finally we decided to stop buying more fish. We agreed that when they all died we would take the fish tank down and try again in ten years or so. One by one they died off until finally there was only one fish left. A bright yellow fish that I don't remember the name of. A few weeks after all the other fish had died it started swimming funny, just like the other fish did days before they were belly up. It was swimming in circles, hovering at the bottom, and struggling to make it to the top of the tank to eat. A couple weeks of this went by. Every night, when we fed it, we would talk about how it wasn't going to make it another day. And then every morning there it would be, swimming around like it was just fine. It blew our minds. And then it got worse. Not moving much at all and seeming like it was just holding on by a thread. I think it was like that for a week or two...and then out of nowhere it snapped out of it. Completely normal again. We decided it must have just been sick. (Do fish get sick?) And now for the past (going on) two months things have just been weird. It will be lying on it's side, on the bottom, not moving at all. We tap on the glass, nothing. We prepare ourselves for cleaning out the tank later that day and then we turn around and there it is, swimming around. Was it asleep? Because I thought fish didn't sleep. THIS FISH HAS NINE FREAKING LIVES! I don't know if it is a "catfish" (haha) or what but it seems to have 9 lives. I don't know how many times we are 99.9% sure it is dead and then suddenly it's not. The thing won't die. I'm not sure what it's holding on for but it is starting to freak us out. Part of me wants to get a teeny tiny bee-bee gun and put it out of it's misery. Jake has threatened to flush it numerous times but I just know that not "all drains lead to the ocean." A friend of mine owns a turtle...turtles eat fish. She has offered to take it off our hands but I just can't do that either. And so we wait. We watch and we wait and maybe someday it will die. Maybe. And when that day comes I think we will be forced to have a small funeral out of respect for it's many lives. (And maybe we should get an autopsy done, either to figure out what it's deal is or just to make sure it is actually dead.)