The One Piece

Dear Swimsuit Makers,

Why is there nothing good in my size? Yes, I am tiny and most people find that attractive but that doesn't mean I want to show it off in a skimpy bikini.
Why is it that there are sales for one piece swim suits but they don't even come close to my size? (that's what started this. A cute one piece on sale...$9.38 but not my size. A half way decent, boring, one piece in my size on the same site...$33.08. Are ya freaking kidding me?!)

The "half-off" $33.08 one piece in my size.

And where do some sites get the definition for "one piece"? A bikini top and bottom tied together with a couple stings just doesn't work for me. Just because the top and bottom are connected doesn't really mean it should be classified as "one piece".

Not a One Piece!!

Yes, there are sites and stores out there that sell cute one piece, modest swim suits, but they usually come with a pretty price. I want the one on sale for 10 bucks! Is that too much to ask? I mean really, it is less fabric!

Society says "be skinny, be tiny" but guess what, it is not all it's chalked up to be. Nothing in your size. Like, yes, America is fat but stores really should order more than 1 of each item in the small size. I find cute stuff, swimsuits or not, on the clearance rack but guess what...not my size!!! Never my size!! And it's always been this way.

Guess I'm done ranting for now. Got to get back to looking for something under $30 that fits me and covers up what only my hubby should see...wink* wink* haha!

Thankful for Meds

At first, I didn't want anyone to know. Even now I wonder if people think I am crazy for telling people. But I don't care. Why should I be ashamed of something I have and being able to take medication in order to make me feel better? If I had diabetes I don't think I would mind telling people I take blood sugar medication. Sure, some people don't want others to know about their specific health issues because they don't want the worry or the sympathy. We all want to be normal but, really, what is normal? We all have issues. Some bigger than others and some more on the outside than in, but we all have them. Me? I have anxiety.

Anxiety is something that anyone can experience in their life. It is an emotion. But it can also be, for some people, more than that. It can be a disease. A glitch in your brain that you can't control. Thoughts that you know are irrational make you feel a certain way and no matter how much you tell yourself it is irrational, you still feel crappy.

If you don't have that kind of anxiety, you wouldn't understand what it is like to feel it. Just like I will never know what it is like to be deaf or blind (I hope). Anxiety is hard to explain. It is like being stressed out over a million things to do all at the same time...only, you really only have one thing to do. You can't think straight. You can feel sick, whether it be an upset stomach, headache, dizziness, or whatever it might be. It is different for everyone. It can be aggravating and depressing all at once. You want to runaway from everything and everyone yet being alone seems like the worst thing in the entire world. It can feel like you are being pulled (literally) in multiple directions at the same time.

There are a few things that are specific to me that can easily cause my anxiety. Social situations is one of them. A recent example of this was going to Wal-Mart in Lindon. I don't usually go to that Wal-Mart and not knowing where things were was frustrating, as it might be for anyone. But instead of just dealing with it, it felt as though the store were closing in on me. I was walking in circles. Time was moving slower and I felt like I had been there for hours. My kids seemed louder and more obnoxious. The isles were suddenly overly crowded. It was hot and uncomfortable and I could have sworn other customers were following me. They were right on my tail and I was constantly trying to get out of the way. They were looking at me like an outsider and I felt their eyes on me and could hear their judging thoughts in my head. Women were racing me down the isles like I was going to take the last box of granola bars from them. The World of Wal-Mart was out to get me and I was ready to sit down and cry.

It's times like those that make me say to myself, "It's time to make an appointment with Cheryl (my therapist). Yep, not only do I take medication but I also see a therapist. Call me crazy if you want but being treated for my "craziness" is better than actually being crazy.

Which brings me to one of the thoughts for this blog entry. Because I am finally (for now, anyway) on the right dose of medication I am feeling more like myself. Last year I struggled with finding the right dose and right medication. Mostly because I got pregnant and then had a baby and it put everything out of whack. Because I was feeling so anxious all the time it was really hard to be in social situations or talk to people or even get out of the house most of the time. Which meant I didn't make it to church very often. Of course, I used other excuses like church starting at 9:00am or not feeling good or having a brand new baby, which were all true. They just came a lot easier to use when my anxiety was bad. Making myself put the excuses behind me and forcing myself to go could bring me to tears. I didn't think it was all that bad going to church once a month. And then January hit. Church now starts at 11:00/ My baby is no longer a newborn and I was finally taking the right meds.

First Sunday in January I went to church and it felt great. Like I had been missing out....because I had been. I didn't really think about it because I don't have many close friends in my ward that I missed. But being in church. For the real reasons. Learning the Gospel and feeling the Spirit is what I missed without even realizing it.

And for that, I am grateful for my medication. I don't feel as anxious to go to church and sit by people I don't know. I can say hi to people and get to know others. I don't feel like hiding in the corner or running out before the closing prayer. I want to stay for classes and meet new friends. As I am writing this I am wracking my brain, trying to think of the last time I got up and bore my testimony in Sacrament Meeting. I really can't think of anytime I have, other than at the end of the talk I hating giving. But the last Sunday in January I did it. I just walked right up and did it.

I'm sure many of you have felt this way before. That burning feeling you get that you should get up and do it but then someone else gets up and you have that sense of relief that you just got out of it....until that awkward silence when no one is going up and you know it's your turn....and then someone else gets up...phew! Well, it was like that for me for most of the meeting. And then the last person went up. Bore their testimony and then time was up. The Bishop was going to get up and close the meeting and I felt like I had made it through without having to get up...but he didn't get up. The last moment of awkward silence came and I couldn't take it anymore. The anxiety of not going up out weighed that of going up. It was like I couldn't take it anymore and Jake actually said I looked angry or annoyed. I told him I was annoyed. Annoyed that I couldn't just stay in my seat for 2 more minutes.

It was short and sweet. Like a little kid's testimony but for the first time I didn't feel like I was going to pass out or that my words were all mixing together or that I just wanted to sink down, behind the podium. And of course I mentioned I had anxiety and that it was the reason why some people may think I am new to the ward even when I am not. That I have a hard time talking to people. So what do people do after you tell them a thing like that? They come up and talk to you, of course. I was a little annoyed because I am so used to keeping to myself but decided it wasn't that bad in the end.

And since then, I have been better about going to church. I don't have perfect attendance but I am doing a lot better than I have been. I just hope I can keep it up and that my meds keep working the way they are.

I know some people struggle with trying to be on the right medication and it can take years for them to finally find something that works for them. And then I know others that are able to get off of it altogether once they have worked out certain issues. I tried that. Worked out all my issues, I thought, and went off meds. Had the worst 2 weeks ever. Decided it just isn't time to be off meds. Maybe some day I will be able to but that day is not today, or even tomorrow. I have heard of lots of other, more natural, "cures" for anxiety, (diet, exercise, etc.) but because of what is going on in my life right now, just thinking about those things stresses me out.

So I guess for now I'll stick to what I know works and be thankful that I live in a time of modern medicine that works for me.

Thankful to be Me

Simple as that. Everyday I think of more to be thankful for. Things I don't usually feel thankful for. Things that I shouldn't take advantage of like I do.

I hear and see things on TV and Facebook that sometimes make me wonder how I ended up with the life I did. And makes me wonder how I am even allowed to think about complaining.

I was born in a time of heat, air conditioning, running water, electronics for just about anything that would require hard labor, medical technology, cell phones, etc.

I was born in America to a middle class family that were already members of The Church.

I think a lot about Russia. Not because of the Olympics or anything but because a little bug or something climbed in my head a long time ago and said I was going to adopt from there. I don't know when, and lately I don't know how because of the new law there, but I do know I will eventually do it.
I think about the children there and in countries all over the world that are in orphanages. Rows of beds, dirty clothes, little food, and little warmth. No one to pay for medical expenses. And I wonder, how did I get so lucky? And why do they have to suffer?

Makes me think of the bigger picture. Having a body and coming to earth must be the most important thing we will ever do, throughout eternity. We knew of the hardships we would have and yet we still chose to come. Makes me wonder if I was a big baby about it. I wasn't one of the stronger ones that said, "Let me be born in "whatever" country and in "whatever" time and I will deal with the hardships of that land and time. Put me in Germany, in 1940, and better yet, make me a Jew." or "Put me in Russia, born with FAS, a mother that abandon's me and a life in an orphanage that has little heat and little food and only a few caretakers." or "Give me a family but make them abuse me in the most horrible way possible until I lose the will to live." or "How about the Middle Ages where I watch everyone around me die of plague and then I do the same."
I could go on but we all know how hard things can be and have been for people.

I've talked to Jake about this and he tells me that we all have our own hardships to go through and they are made for us. We were born at the time and place we were for a reason. I know this is true but I just can't wrap my head around it. I understand that we are all born at the time we should be but why am I one of the lucky ones?

Sometimes, I just wish that I would remember this more often. Remember that things could be worse and I really shouldn't be complaining at all.

Germ-a-phobe? Maybe.

This is going to be one of those random blogs that only happened because of random thoughts I was having. It is about a few of my pet peeves.

Things that get left out on the counter to collect germs...only to end up in our mouths. I do not understand how people can leave their kitchen utensils out on the counter and then use them to eat with. If you have ever watched The Big Bang Theory you can see what I'm talking about. Sheldon (main character) is afraid of germs and getting sick and yet he eats off of the forks that sit in a container on the kitchen counter. Doesn't he realize that people could cough or sneeze or something all over them and he wouldn't even know it?! Drives me nuts. Same goes for things like spoons and spatulas, even though I grew up with them being out on a counter. Guess I was just so used to it I didn't realize. But now that I have a house of my own, I prefer my eating utensils in the drawer.

Toothbrushes in toothbrush holders or cups on the counter. Really? I mean the kitchen is bad enough but then lets put something we use to clean our mouths out on the counter for people to cough, sneeze, accidentally touch, splash water on, get hair on, etc. Not to mention all the other unmentionables that happen in the bathroom. So where can you find my toothbrush? In the mirror cabinet, on it's own special shelf, with a plastic travel case to cover the top. Germ-a-phobe? Maybe.

Speaking of the bathroom....I am not a fan of extra toilet paper holders, toilet brush holders, or plunger holders, that sit on the floor behind the toilet. Convenient? Yeah. But then they collect all the stuff that happens to land behind the toilet - (need I explain what that might be?) It really just gives you one more nasty surface to wash off when cleaning the bathroom and I like my toilet paper to be somewhat clean before I use it, not all dusty on the side. Not to mention the most important fact: children touch everything and want to play with everything. Whether it is your own or someone that comes to visit, they will find it.

So those are my top 3. Sorry any of these apply to you. I don't mean to offend and have no one in mind while writing this. Just getting out a few of my thoughts. I guess they came about because Jake and I went shopping this week and he joked about getting a thing for utensils, just because he knows how much it bothers me. Then, later, we were looking for a toilet brush and I saw the kind you leave out and we had a discussion about how I refuse to have them.

Kyler's Birthday - Post 2

And here it is...Kyler's second celebration. Party at Grandma and Papa Cohoon's after Sunday dinner!!


"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Kyler!!! Happy Birthday to you!!"

Make a wish and blow out the candles!

Mommy, Daddy, and Jaysen got him a Fire Truck!

"WOOOAAAAHHHHH"

"Sa-weet!" A work bench!

Blahhh!

He also got a blanket and some giant Lego's from Mindy and her kids but I guess we didn't get pictures of those. He had so much fun opening everything. I really think this is the first birthday he has really been able to understand and enjoy.

ARRGGHHHH

No, it isn't pirate talk. I am just frustrated. I don't even know how much this blog will make sense. I just want to vent a little. I don't want to get into too many details because I really don't want an argument or discussion. I just want to voice my opinions.

I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP JUDGING OTHERS FOR THINGS THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!!!

I know that we all judge. It is in our nature. It is impossible to not judge. We have to judge people in order to protect ourselves. But I just wish people would keep their harsh comments and thoughts to themselves when it comes to things they don't know much about. More than likely, when mean things are said, and later you discover what really happened you find out you were wrong. And then it is too late, you can't take it back. And it is really sad that some people don't regret saying things. I try very hard to be careful of what I say of others because that has happened and I do feel bad. And knowing I can't take it back is hard for me. Not only because what I said may have been wrong but also because I know that I will be judged later on for the hurtful things I may have said.

UGHHHHH!!!!

This is why I can't get into politics and have trouble voting. I don't know what to believe most of the time.
And a lot of issues are so gray scale for me. I can see both sides of things and even though I know why I believe something should be a certain way I can also see why other's might want it differently. You can't please everyone, ya know.

Makes me want to quote the line from Rex in Toy Story, "I don't like confrontation!" I really don't.

I have a hard time sharing my beliefs with other's sometimes because I worry I won't be able to say what I want or I won't be knowledgeable enough to prove my point. But that is just me and my opinion is honestly, let other's believe what they want and leave them alone. Be open to suggestion but don't hurt other's when their beliefs aren't yours.

I truly love my religion and believe it. I believe in missionaries sharing and us teaching other's about what we believe. I love my religion because when we go to church we learn about the scriptures. We learn about Christ and his teachings. We learn how to be better people and how to strive spiritually. What we don't do is bash other churches or "damn people to hell" for not believing what we do.

Can't we all just be nice and get along???!!! I mean why is it so hard??!?! It really just frustrates me to the max lately and I just had to let some of it out.

And The Verdict Is....

Recently, I posted on Facebook that after 6 years of being married to an extreme football fan it was time for me to pick my own team. Naturally I like the team he likes, The Cowboys, but I had to have a team of my own. So with a lot of thinking, contemplating, and color coordinating, I have decided on a team.

And the winner is......

The Seattle Seahawks!!!!!

I first got the idea because a couple summers ago my parents went to Washington and brought back a mini football with the Seattle Seahawks on it for Kyler. Then, after watching a couple preseason games I decided they seemed like a pretty good team. And best of all, they have great colors. (Second to The Cowboys.)
Other teams that were considered were:

Denver Broncos. They have Peyton Manning who I think is a pretty good quarterback. And they are closet to me geographically so finding their memorabilia is pretty easy. BUT I am not a fan of blue and orange AND they are pretty popular already here. I like to be different.

San Francisco 49'ers. Only because I like Austin Collie who played for BYU. (Let's just say 3 years ago this would have been an easy choice because Peyton and Austin both played for the Colts which is when I started liking them - even with Austin Collie getting concussions every other game.)

San Diego Chargers. Because San Diego is one of my ultimate favorite vacation spots. But then I watched them play against the Seahawks and suddenly Seahawks were favored over them. (And the lightning bolt thing didn't really do it for me.)

And that was pretty much it for the serious considerations. Of course, Jennifer and I went over all of our options and she helped me weigh the pros and cons. And if it were up to her I would have picked Patriots. However, they were the first team Jake vetoed me to pick. He hates them. Also vetoed were The Jets, but I wasn't interested in them anyway.

I did, however, have a pretty good argument for picking The Cowboys, even if Jake didn't already like them. It starts with their quarterback, Tony Romo. He dated Jessica Simpson, who is Ashley Simpson's sister, who married Pete Wentz (now divorced), who I have pretty much been in love with since I was 17. So basically Tony and Pete were close to brother-in-laws, kinda. I mean I bet they had a few family dinners together and Tony probably went to the wedding. AND the Cowboys have the best colors (navy blue and silver) and the best logo (a *Star*).

So there you go. I am officially a football fan. I could either dread football season or embrace it and after the last 6 years with Jake I've come to realize embracing it is the best option.

GO SEAHAWKS!!!!!